Strolling down death alley!

Upon returning to Oregon from California I was thrown into a world where gun violence, high-speed driving, and pollution seemed mellow and comforting. Let me explain-- yesterday while rambling through the forest I realized how painfully unprepared I was to face some of Mother Nature's fiercest predators!!!! I would've written to warn you sooner, but this is the first time I've been able to think about that ordeal without weeping and trembling.
Growing up in Oregon, living on the edge of a forest, I was taught what to do in case of cougar encounter (wave sticks over your head and act tall and shout!), if I got lost (travel downhill, don't drink your own urine, even if you are dehydrated!) or if I were to meet a bear (look it straight in the eye, stick out your right hand and in a firm voice say, "hello, my name is Lisa, so nice to meet you." har har har). But there were some things that I failed to receive adequate warning about -- I can not emphasis the importance of these things enough -- so I am trying to let you benefit from my knowledge and warn you! Please pay attention!
First off, we have one of nature's most clever and sinister animals, the mule deer. Not only do you have to worry about it's hooves and horns and gnashing teeth, but the most dangerous part of it, is it's brain. This treacherous animal is the most famous creator of the infamous, "deer trail". Yes, the "deer trail". The doppleganger of real trails everywhere. These are the trails that appear to lead to somewhere, but after you follow it long enough to make it not worth turning back, it disappears, leaving you utterly, utterly alone and directionless (assuming that you, like me, never carry a compass). They do this, I believe, to lure lone hikers to a location of their (the deer's) choosing where then the deer kill them. As soon as I realize that I have been on a deer trail that has petered out, I start running AWAY from that area as fast as the forest floor will permit. I refuse to stay in that vulnerable of situation, playing right into the deer's hands (or hooves if you will). There is no telling where they have lead you, or for what sinister reason. I believe that it is this strategy of running that has indeed kept me alive thus far.
However, the mule deer has allied itself with some of the natives. The first is Toxicodendron diversilobum, or in layman's terms, POISON OAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. One of the favored tactics of the deer/oak alliance is to make a "deer trail" that runs deep into POISON OAK!!!!!!!!!!!! territory before vanishing. I believe this two-fold pyschological tactic is to discourage people from running away to save their life because they are afraid of the poison oak(!!!!), thus leaving them helpless and lost at the mercy of the mule deer. (dun dun duh!) The true essence of psychological warfare.
The third conspirator is the common woods spider (!!!!!!). This little beast's eyes are bigger (and more numerous) than his stomach. His plot is evolutionary progress at it's finest. After learning that he cannot possible catch a human in his web, he builds it directly at human eye level (truly, it matters not how tall or short you are, the web is always at eye level), and the woods spider attempts to blind and disorient you, so that the mule deer can come and hoof you to death. (tricky!) Your best defense again this little fiend is to wave a common tree stick in front of your face where ever you go. This thwarts the spider's efforts. Also, for added protection and precaution, wave the pointiest stick possible, and you might accidentally spear one of these spiders thus preventing him from ever returning to his life of woods bullying.
So, my best advice to you, to enjoy a pleasant afternoon in the woods without fear of maiming or death is to: run everywhere you go, wave a stick in front of your face as you run so that you do not fall victim to the spiders, and most importantly, always, always, be looking down. Never let your eyes leave the ground. Be constantly vigilant that you are not trekking through the poison oak!(!). To remind you of these things I've come up with a simple acronym: L.I.V.E. Don't be Led astray, wave a stick In front of you, always have Vigilant Eyes. Remember that, and your life should be long and pleasant.